Li’l Spermy: Face the Music
Li’l Spermy is the latest superhero in the Marvel Cinematic Universe as they finally fill the gap from terrible Superhero Movies to wonderful Porn Movies.
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Smoke the Gay Away
Ray Liotta, “Slow Turkey” and now everyone’s favourite British dinosaur have all be co-opted by Pfizer and blown wads of cash. But what is suffering “Life threatening allergic and skin reactions that include swelling of face, mouth, throat; a rash, peeling skin or blisters” when you can cure yourself from smoking…COCK‽
Inflame the Yule Log
The stockings won’t be the only thing hung this holiday season.
Shakespeare is Corny
- All’s Well That Ends Well by Exxon
- “When oil and fire, too strong for reason’s force, O’erbears it and burns on.”
- King Lear by Philip Morris
- “‘Tis hot, it smokes.”
- Henry IV by the NRA
- “So cowardly; and but for these vile guns, He would himself have been a soldier.”
- As You Like It by Koch Industries
- “Of what kind should this cock come of?”
- Henry V by Chick Fil A
- “Our gayness and our gilt are all besmirch’d”
Summer Blockbuster (Get off of my lawn, dinosaur)
Once upon a time, there were summer movies that weren’t about super heroes. Here’s a list the lighthearted movies we enjoyed in our youth before the onslaught of Robert Downey Jr.
- Movies about sharks
- Dinosaurs
- Phone challenged aliens
- Runs made by cannonballs
- Girls who drove tanks
- Returns to Lagoons (that happened to be blue)
- Pauly Shore
- Kazaam
- Dwarf Planet Nash
- Lolita
- Tails that Tom Cruise wanted to cock
#MeTwo
There’s nothing funny about sexual harassment or assault but you can make fun of the names!
Donald (up the) Trump, Bill Cli(toris)nton, James Franco (and Beans), Casey (at the bat) Affleck, Paul Haggis (and blood pudding), Ben Vereen (off the straight and narrow), Morgan Spu(tom)rlock, Tavis (won’t make you) Smiley, (S)Heath Evans, Marshall Faulk (me or die), Mario (cock and) Batali, Dustin (your ass) Hoffman, Oliver Stone (hard), Roy (what is your) Price, Harvey Weinstein, Matt (muncher) Lauer, Kevin (sex in) Spacey, Garrison Keillor (when I was done), Louis CK (my cock).
RIP Hugh Grant
In memory of Hugh Grant’s passing, here is a klassic komik from Playboy, circa 1987. Wait. I was just informed that it wasn’t Hugh Grant, but Hugh Bonneville who passed away. Crap. Does that mean Uptown Abbey was cancelled too? Well, he lived upstairs just like Luka.
Polling Station
After a short campaign with all the usual boring, normal ideas, it’s time for America to take the plunge and vote for either one of our lovable choices. Those wags who say your vote doesn’t matter (ahem) are correct. When both of the candidates are as great and lovable as those we have, it’s like choosing between a soothing, warm bath and a refreshing aperitif with friends. Will America grab Pussy or Cock?
Super Ball 50
Wait until you see the half-time show Vivisection has concockted. That’s right, concockted! Fuck you, Coldplay and Beyonce. It’s time for a real extravaganza.
Happy Valentimes!
It’s that time of year again when we all cum together to celebrate the best hallmark holiday. Hope you and yours have a delightful night of mattress pounding.