Unsaid in this strip is the fact that our friendly dinosaur isn’t looking to join for the magic zombie worship. He’s interested in becoming a priest so he can abuse children with impunity.
I hope they take that unfair “Dinosaur Kickback” out of the final bill. Why shouldn’t all animals receive the same crappy care?!? Just because all ducks go to quacks should not matter.
We have a special feature today here at Greganddrew. One of the comics we like to mock has sent us a polite email asking us to cease and desist. After a flurry of lawyer conferences and legal consultations, Mr Walter McDougal, the creator of “Dinosaur Doctor,” has agreed to an interview. He wants to clear up misconceptions about his comic and let the record show what a nice guy he is. What follows is an edited portion of our phone conversation.
GAD: Hello? Can you hear me? Mr McDougal…?
WM: Hello…? Is there anyone there?
WM: Hello? I’ll hang up and call back!
WM: Can you hear me now?
GAD: Yes, much better. Thanks for agreeing to do this, Mr McDougal.
WM: No problem. But lets keep it short. I have an early tee time [laughs].
GAD: Has there ever been a cartoonist who doesn’t like to play golf?
WM: If there is, I’ve never met him! [Laughs]
GAD: Golf figures prominently in “Dinosaur Doctor.” I’m thinking of the storyline where the doctor started to play golf but then the dinosaur got sick and he had to leave the golf course and attend to the dinosaur who was sick.
WM: Yes, that was a few years ago. Got a lot of great jokes out of that sequence. You have a good memory!
GAD: Thanks. I’ve been a loyal reader for years. So tell me about the early years. When did “Dinosaur Doctor” officially begin?
WM: It started in a little newspaper called the New York Courier, which at the time was based in St Petersburg…
WM: No, Russia. At the time, this was the sixties, I was living in Tomsk in a Soviet housing project just trying to make a living. Most of the “Dinosaur Doctor”s were propaganda for Brezhnev and his cronies. But what could you do? A man had to eat. And make his boat payments.
GAD: When did you come to America?
WM: That was later. I started getting picked up in little newspapers around Europe, and then in South America. I think my first American paper was the Duluth Times, if I’m not mistaken.
GAD: Was there a language barrier?
WM: There still is! [Laughs] The problem is that I do the strips in English, then it’s translated into Russian, and then back into English by the syndicate.
WM: So it’s not my fault if the strip is nonsensical sometimes. I assure you, in Russia, and parts of Estonia, it’s hilarious.
GAD: Now your comic is on the web. How has the transition affected your work?
WM: What’s the web?
GAD: The internet. The information superhighway. [No response] A series of tubes…? Anyway, do you find it harder to work now that no one reads newspapers?
WM: My work is timeless. It doesn’t matter what fancy-schmancy gadgets you use, whether it’s flying cars or microwave ovens–dinosaurs will always need a checkup! [Laughs, expectorates]
GAD: Do you have any assistants?
WM: Just one. Morty, uh… I forget his last name. He helps me with the inking and the penciling and the formatting. He also does all the writing and comes up with ideas on occasion. God bless him. One time I couldn’t find my glasses and he helped me with that too. He fished them right out of the toilet without one word of complaint. I don’t know what I’d do without him.
GAD: So what is a typical day for you?
WM: Well, I tell Martin to do some strips on my way out to the golf course…
WM: I’m serious.
WM: It helps to have little children around too. They can be such an inspiration. Some days I go to the park and round them up and bring them back to my studio and just listen to what they have to say. I mean, I really listen. I sit back and undress and relax and really get to know them. No one listens anymore. It’s a lost art. Especially to children. Have you listened to a child recently? I mean, really listened?
WM: You’re missing out! They have such wonder and wisdom. Real wisdom. And when they find out I’m the creator of “Dinosaur Doctor” their little faces light up with joy. Kids love dinosaurs and that crap. We have so much fun together, laughing and tickling each other and rolling around on the floor with the stuffed animals. And when their parents come to get them, Mikey is there to go down to the station and get everything straightened out. Meanwhile I’ve collected a treasure trove of cute sayings and photos that I forever cherish…
GAD: Do you read the comics yourself? Has the industry changed much over the years?
WM: Yes and no. By yes, I mean it has changed. But by no, I mean it hasn’t changed. A little bit of both, is what I’m trying to say. When I started out, no one had ever heard of dinosaurs. Really! I invented the whole genre. And then everyone else jumped on the dinosaur bandwagon. I also invented time. Before I started, no one knew what time was until I invented the clock and the things around the circle, the numbers. Believe me, it was no fun not having time. People were late for everything!
GAD: There are rumors there is going to be a “Dinosaur Doctor” movie this summer. Do you have a hand in that?
WM: I asked for creative control, and they turned me down flat. What can I say? The strip is my baby. I hate to see it compromised and watered down for some mass audience. Also, they didn’t like my idea of having the dinosaur played by a lesbian.
GAD: Well, thanks for talking to us.
WM: Who are you again?
GAD: [Grunting] Fecal urgency. Must hang up.
WM: What? Hello? Hello…?
S) This strip only contains one joke. Check.
O) Dinosaur’s ass is open for extension but closed for modification. Check.
L) If you substitute any Kardashian for the Dinosaur, the joke still works. Check.
I) There is only one public interface to this strip. Check.
D) Dinosaur must bend over for the joke. This seems like a somewhat concrete inversion of dependency. Partial Credit.
According to the Mayo Clinic, here are the top causes of hernias:
- Being anally raped by a Triceritops
- Eating a salad
- Carrying around all that shit from childhood
- Rocking out to Spandau Ballet
- Squeezing out one miserable turd nugget a day
- Aggressive Doctor checking for a hernia
- Shaving with Occam’s Razor
If you’re having trouble enrolling on the Obamacare website, you can now login in with your myspace account. Sign up soon as they have a 1/2 off on leeches deal.
It has been a long time for our friend Dinosaur Doctor. In fact, I thought he had gone extinct, but today’s installment shows that he’s still going strong. Wait…this is copyright 2010. Maybe he was destroyed in the great mythical creature cataclysm of 2012. Along with those other mythical creatures, Bigfoot, The Loch Ness Monster, Bonnie Franklin and Jesus.
Somehow, I don’t think Jesus (or anyone else) is laughing at Mr. Keene in heaven. Which makes it just like earth for the past 50 years. Maybe the next Jeffysaurus cartoon should be a “Did you come straight to heaven?” question, followed by a circuitous route of cumming on angel whores. “Who skull fucked Anna Nicole Smith on the way to the pearly gates?” NOT ME!
Perhaps the dinosaur is trapped not in a nightmare, but in a many layered bad movie.